01:01 am

Lately, I’ve been feeling this weird longing in my chest. It’s as if I am looking for someone, or waiting for something… something that never comes. Often when I lay awake at night, I struggle to keep my eyes shut. In bed, eyes wide open, I find myself dreaming about something, someone, and I can never quite figure out what it is. It’s like I’m waiting for it to kick in… it would appear before me and I’d just know that this is what I’m here for.

I’ve also been talking to my mother about how I feel like I don’t live up to my creative capabilities, like I have this entire universe inside of me and I just haven’t found the right medium to express it. I have tried to be the artsy girl, multiple times in fact, but I found that I’m not very good at it? I can’t perfect my quirks, and my inner manic pixie dream girl is waiting for her time to shine but it just never comes.

I latched on to writing early on, hoping it would stick and this would be it- my thing- but it hasn’t really worked out very well in my favour so far. I’ve wanted to create art, in any form, since such a young age but I wonder if I even have what it takes? Or if I have what it takes to be good at it? I spend my free time trying to teach myself different skills- whether it’s making music, or films, or even graphic design; but somehow, I just do not have the patience for it and this little part of me thinks that it’s not going to be worth it anyway, since it won’t stick.

You know how artists create an entire world with their music and particular albums, it’s sort of like that but just inside me. I’ve said time and time again, that I have too much inside me and I, for the life of me, cannot express it. Everyone has always told me that I am going to make it, but I wish they told me when, or how? How do I take all this emotion from inside of me and make it work? It also doesn’t help that I am very lazy to do anything, and I instantly hate everything that I do either.

I just worry about my future, because I feel like if I don’t bring all of this out, I will combust. Do you know how difficult it is knowing, that you are not living up to your capabilities?